The Agony Of Defeat

September 16, 2014

As most of my friends and family know, I have struggled in my adult years with weight. I have said it before and will repeat the mantra again: I use food for comfort and when times get into turmoil mode in my life, I eat. It’s a horrible, horrible habit I have dealt with since the mid 90’s.

The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. I was on such a high just a little over a year ago, having dropped 53 pounds in exactly 12 months to the day of starting on that treadmill back in April 2012. I was obsessed with the gym and going 4 – 5 days a week it was paying off: the weight just melted away. It melted because I ‘sort of’ cheated. I didn’t eat. I’d plop a morsel of chicken into a few torn up lettuce leaves and Ta-Dah!!! My meal. It was such a good feeling (tossing out my fat-ass clothing) and I truly felt I was doing it the ‘right‘ way. Heck, if nothing passes through these lips, nothing will stick to the hips. So on it went for 12 months.

When I damaged my Achilles tendon in my foot, almost a year ago, I ignored it and continued on to Zumba classes, all the while jumping around like the long lost teenage girl I once was. First round of oral steroids didn’t ease any relief of inflammation. Slowly the ‘backside pains’ began rearing it’s ugly head. I already knew of having degenerative disk disease which was diagnosed during a trip to the ER last October. Apparently this was something old BUT with all the dancing around daily during Zumba, I really screwed myself up. Big Time. More steroids, more increase in appetite, and I was eating a lot. When the pain became debilitating once the sciatica kicked in (also Last October) and having to stay in bed for nearly 3 weeks, I started a downward spiral of complete and total helplessness. I needed to come off as being happy go lucky, being there for my family, but I knew I was drowning. Over this past summer when all the agonizing pains came to a head I can honestly say I was in a fog. I didn’t care what happened to me. Who wants to even get out of bed in the morning when the thought of stepping onto the carpet next to the bed has brought me to my knees more times than not? Not because I wanted to say a quick prayer, but because I felt like a tranquilizing dart was shot into me. Every morning this went on. With the collapse of selling our home to find a single story house, I was quite let down (putting it mildly). So I continued my eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted because I felt like a hot pile of dog poop….. what did it matter? That’s where my brain has been at.

I had to see my doctor almost a month ago and she told me (not anything that I didn’t already know) that my weight gain over the last 12 months was abnormal. (Not really doc………I KNOW how it got there, it’s not like it magically happened while I slept). She told me to write down everything I ate during the day and come back. That day was today.

I knew I was going to ‘face the music’ at the doctor appointment today, and I did. Hey, I knew it was coming, seeing the reason for the visit was to bring in my food log for the last 3 weeks. (At my last appointment with her, I told her how depressed I had been for many, many months and just ‘fake it’ by smiling when I’m around people, and that when I am down, upset, anxious, any emotional upset, I eat! Always have, always will- unfortunately. (And this last year with all the injuries – related to the gym- that I acquired, I have had nothing but pain and loathing going on inside of me.)

I’m honest and it showed in my daily entries…….. maybe TOO honest in my logging down. (Kimmi told me “you should have lied!”) Maybe I could have kept off the entries of: “feeling stressed- handful of peanut M&M’s” or “Feel like crap- 3 donut holes”… but what purpose would that have served? So as my doctor looked through my journal and kept giving me a ‘look’, I told her “I know, I know, it is what it is.” I understand, and she reiterated page after page, that ‘there is nothing healthy in here.’ Drinking slim fast two times a day and having an unhealthy dinner has caused a lot of issues with my daily diet (no, duh). She noticed no fruits or vegetables on ANY page (other than the few salads I ate over the last 3 weeks) and told me to start eating. Start eating right.

I had to go shopping after the appointment so I figured this was a good time to pick up some FOODS I should actually be eating. I bought some things I have NO idea what to do with, but have already began looking at recipes online. (Quinoa, sweet potatoes, spinach and egg dishes, fruits).

I may be restricted from doing anything at the gym now, but with my sciatic pain gone after having the epidural steroidal injections, I am in a better frame of mind. In just one week. And with that in place, I don’t feel like throwing in the towel, like I had been feeling. Starting this afternoon, the new way of eating has begun. I see a whole lot of new recipes that will soon be created.

Who knows? Maybe actually eating 3 healthy meals a day- the first time in almost 30 years- I can feel the Thrill Of Victory once more. Only this time, it will be without starving myself.