Feeling Gloomy

July 24, 2014

This is not my typical “Lori-type-of-blog-post.” I can’t climb out of this funk- and it’s emotionally draining. I learned 19 years ago how to deal with having Multiple Sclerosis and all the miserable aches and pains that came with it. I learned how- and made myself ignore the pains I endured daily and adjusted accordingly when my feet went numb. That was hard to do for many reasons: one being it was difficult to walk when you felt like you had two concrete blocks attached to the bottoms of your ankles, and the next, knowing I had better wear shoes outdoors at all times because not feeling the summer’s heat on concrete or stepping on glass, can really do a number on your soles. Both things I found out rather quickly.

These things are just a part of me and have been since 1995. The last year has brought on so many new physical problems and the pain is unbearable, but like I always do, I put on my happy face and trudge on through. I have oxycodone in my medicine cabinet and will not take them for my sciatica. I was on them last October when this ugly ailment first appeared and I was in bed 23 1/2 hours a day for 3 long weeks. I hated that feeling and told myself I would NOT take the meds. I spent months in physical therapy for the Achilles tendonitis and 3 weeks after stopping PT, it’s back. With a vengeance. SO I have a left foot jacked up and my right hip, buttock, hamstring and calf is fighting a 24/7 Charlie horse. Trying to rollover in bed takes me at least one minute to turn to the side. Honestly, I do not know HOW in the hell I am walking, let alone climbing stairs in this house (and we have stairs everywhere.) Feeling like a giant failure as well putting back on weight that I fought so hard to lose 2 years ago.It’s hard to diet when you can’t haul yourself to the gym and even if I got there, I don’t know what I could possibly do. I’m just stuck in a very bad place and it’s so NOT me. I have tried to go in the pool and that hasn’t been happening. Heading into our Golden Years- has been anything but, lately.

In another area of my life, I am feeling a bit somber and inadequate. I resigned from the board of the Down Syndrome Organization of Southern Nevada the other day, after only sitting on it for 2 1/2 months. Sitting was literally all I was capable of doing. I set myself up for failure and it is my fault. Twenty five years ago I was a real fireball, but the way my body has turned on me, the only BALL I am feeling, is that of a spit-out hairball! There are other issues involved as well in my decision to resign, but I should have known I was unqualified and incapable of what they require. Even though I have left the board, it will not affect Jenni and her being with her Cool 21 group. I wish I could get her to more functions with this great group of people, as I know she’d love it, but going every other Wednesday, once they meet up again in a few weeks, will have to do for now. She used to LOVE to bowl 12 years ago, so maybe I can get her involved in that eventually. (And that’s another ‘feeling of failure’ on my part. I do not drive the freeway or anywhere close to HEAVY traffic. Asking Dennis? Uh, no way. Driving at night is a bit difficult too, so I am – excuse the language- shit out of luck.)

There are just times- and this seems to be one of them, and luckily it doesn’t happen too often- that I really miss not having my mother. Just to talk to and have her listen to me ‘sing the blues.’ (Which there has been a lot of lately.) We had such good camaraderie and I truly miss that with her. That’s how mother-daughter relationships should be. I also miss my close friends I had many years ago in California.

All I know for certain right now is to get some much needed relief…. and soon (pain-free) because I am not used to feeling so down hearted and joyless. I’ll get over my pity parade………I always do.

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